RacquetWorld's Newsletter Racquetball Tip of the Month


Milk and Cookies - Santa vs Mrs. Clause


Here is a game that is ongoing. This game persists on and off the court and if played incorrectly could actually jeopardize Christmas. There are three possibilities we need to unravel to ensure a Happy Holiday Season with plenty of milk and cookies under that tree for everyone.

Let’s not kid ourselves, 2009 has been a hell of a year. Santa has had his fair share of tough times and long hours. He’s ignored his exercise routine and compromised with too many fast food meals. He’s puffed up a little early this year and without a couple hours a week on the court he’s in jeopardy of losing his touch as well as his focus.

On the other side, Mrs. Clause signed up for the elf money league right after St Patrick’s Day. The elves that moonlighted as leprechauns came back home with a wee bit of extra gold this year and Mrs. Clause has been eyeing possible league winnings to enhance her less than stellar Christmas club account. She knows to have a shot at these quick little toy makers she has to cross train off the court. With Santa so busy traveling, she’s had plenty of time to hit the treadmill regularly.

The elves wake up extra early to clean the court and wipe down the floor. It’s the only day of the year that Mrs. Clause “forgets” to make Santa his morning coffee. With the perpetual darkness this time of year at the north pole, 3:30 am Black Friday morning could as well be mid day. This is the day, hours before the official start of the holiday season, that the workshop comes to a dead halt. One racquetball match to decide it all; who will wear the red pants in the family for the next full year?!

Santa swings out of bed and can still feel the turkey digesting away in his belly. That’s sure to slow him down an additional step. Mrs. Clause forced that second piece of pie on him and he’s beginning to see a pattern here. He throws on his Wilson shorts and they are a touch snug. He laces up his Ektelon T9 Roadster low sneakers. Santa pulls out his lucky Racquetworld Black Dry Fit Shirt out of his sack and throws it on. He dons his Head Pro Elite eyeguards, puts on his E-Force Chill glove and with his pure black prototype racquet heads to the court. (Loyalty Code: Ireadit gets you 20% off any or all items listed above for next 24 hours. This concludes the sales pitch portion of this holiday article).

Mrs. Clause is waiting for him as he arrives. She’s been warming up for the past 15 minutes and is ready to play. “Santa, do you need some time?” she asks innocently. “I just need two minutes to check my list” he replies. Santa pulls a short list from his pocket, looks it over once, checks it’s a second time, smiles and puts in back in his pocket. “I’m ready, let’s just play.”

The elves line the upper balcony. There is no room to breath up there. The anticipation is mounting. As a gentleman, Santa always let’s Mrs. Clause serve first. This could be the difference in the match and Santa knows it. He’s not warmed up, he’s out of shape, he’s out of practice, he’s had no coffee, he shorts are tight and he knows Rudolf (the referee) is truly against him this year for cutting his son from the junior sleigh team.
Mrs. Clause takes up her serving position. Santa stands poised to retrieve. The score is called. The elves take a deep breath and not another sound can be heard. Bam! The drive serve that has been worked on all season just clears the short line to Santa’s backhand side. This will surely be a two bouncer before the back wall and it’s angle looks perfect. With what seems like uncanny foresight, Santa retrieves the serve one inch from it’s second bounce and flicks the ball to the ceiling over Mrs. Claus’s head. All the elves let out a sigh. Mrs. Claus did not chase down the ceiling ball. She had put all her hopes into that one serve. The dream was over. Santa got up and served her off the court. Some of the elves couldn’t take it and looked away towards the end. The score ended 15-0 without Mrs. Clause regaining the serve.

As they walked off the court, Mrs. Clause smiled and said, “I thought this could be my year, honey”. Santa, as sweaty as he was, leaned in and kissed her cheek, “This was your year if there ever was one.” Mrs. Clause then asked, “Wasn’t it a little early to be checking your list?” Santa looked up over his eyeguards and replied, “Well, this was a special list…a motivational list for me. (See “the list” at the end of this article) You’ll get that 1 point some day honey. By the way, your footwork and your ball drop telegraphed which way you were going to serve, that’s how I knew which way to go or you had me. ”

This last statement is really what this whole article is about. When the men from Mars spar with the women from Venus there are three situations that can arise. The man (like Santa) is much better, the man and the women are pretty even, or (“gulp”) the woman wears the pants. Each situation has it’s own difficulties getting to the milk and cookies and it’s all about what you can and can’t say outside the court right after the game.

When you’re Santa and you’re obviously the much better player, you can offer constructive, coach like criticisms. However, these types of pointers will never be taken well as your opponents approach or surpass your level of play. In those circumstances, both when you’re close or you’re getting murdered, I see that the guys who survive simply ask for pointers from their partners on how they can improve their own game and wait for the question to be asked in return instead of volunteering what may come off as condescending view points. This advice has saved many a holiday around my local courts. I have to admit this small pointer, before now, has only been shared inside the men’s locker room.

For you kick –butt women…you deserve all the milk and cookies but if you don’t demean our fragile male egos in front of the other guys in the process of destroying us on the court, we’ll be more than happy to sit there, smile and share the bounty.

In Mrs. Clause stocking Santa will leave the movie The Great White Hype. Anyone who has seen this movie will understand the joke.

Have a Happy and Safe Holiday Season!
Santa’s Racquetball Motivational List
(Mrs. Clause Snide Comments – Check list twice)

Jan 1, 2009 – You know about April that new Baby - Father Time is going to look quite handsome.

Jan 5, 2009 – All the cookie weight should start coming off soon, right?

Jan 10, 2009 – Your footwork isn’t what it used to be.

Jan 30, 2009 – You would think with all that lifting you could hit the ball harder.

Feb (Away on business)

March 7, 2009 – Golf alone will not keep you in racquetball shape.

March 19, 2009 – I joined the elf league, I’m going to kick your ass this year…

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Questions or comment…Pat@Racquetworld.com

You can forward any rules questions to me at Pat@Racquetworld.com


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